The first thing that struck me is when Bernstein said "Movies meant Hollywood, a place for selling out (11)." As I continued to read though, I learned that Bernstein was anything but a sellout. Understanding that his Communist ideals are what put him in this censored box, when he went into details about his childhood/coming of age, that's what really made me connect with him. I found Bernstein's passion to be inspiring, even in some instances it was almost absurd how far he was willing to go. Yes, he still needed to make a living so writing under a different name was a smart, beneficial option for him. However, it seemed to be more than that. He had to get his thoughts out there, he had to write and something inside of him just couldn't let it go. "The books had opened my head. The movies opened my heart (51)", as Bernstein put it.
Another thing that amazed me was the fact this his was such a chaotic time with Germany and Hitler, the Soviet Union, war and the military, and yet the way Bernstein wrote about it did not place my attention around those events. I laughed when I read the part about Bernstein producing a movie rather than war prep, simply because he stated that he was more concerned with who would be playing the women roles rather than the actual war. He then even took it farther as to say that the Army was like a show to them, they were just players on a stage wearing Army costumes. Everything felt like a movie to him, which I think weighed heavily on what he saw as real and unreal. It felt like Bernstein could never connect with anything and make it real until it actually happened to him. War was like a movie scene in his head or a place to get another amazing story, until he realized that "Hey, maybe I could really die here". Even his newborn baby was a detachment to him, visuals somewhat helped but she would never be real until he actually held her.
I really admire Bernstein's passion and his burning desire to follow his heart without abandoning his beliefs. However, is there such a thing as taking it too far? Bernstein risked it all, his family, his life, his career in order to stand behind his beliefs. Maybe the fact that he had a hard time between distinguishing what was real and unreal made him more fierce and adventurous, or maybe he was completely insane. Either way, you have to admire someone that is so connected to the thing they love the most that they do anything for it. I guess the way I relate is that I'd be lost if I wasn't a writer. I'm sure my mother and society and strangers would respect me more if I was becoming a doctor or a lawyer or some corporate figure. I could never do that to myself though, it would be like betraying the one thing in the world that feels right to me. In that retrospect, I can understand why Bernstein was so attached and enthralled in his work. I can understand why he would never betray any part of himself, it would be like betraying the part of the world that was real to him.
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