Emotional Effect of the Blacklist

What struck me when reading this section of Bernstein’s memoirs was not just how the blacklist affected his writing and ability to sustain a career, but also how it affected his personal life and relationships. In some ways there were both pros and cons in this situation – we read some really heartening stories about camaraderie and togetherness among those that were blacklisted. However, I think this is also the first time in the memoir where Bernstein seems anything less that totally self-confident and sure of himself. It seems that this really starts with the visits from the FBI. Bernstein writes “there would be the sudden sour taste of fear for a moment and then a shaming wave of anger, not at them but at myself for being afraid” (176). This then develops into a depression and Bernstein’s need for “a validation I could not produce from myself alone” (186). It absolutely makes sense that these kinds of feelings would come from the exclusion that the blacklist creates, and yet they are in such contrast to what we’ve seen of Bernstein’s character so far. This is the man who traveled around Europe all during the war without seeming to worry too much about whether or not he was in danger, the man who snuck into Yugoslavia, who is even distanced and not particularly worried about his family. I think that when you take into consideration his previous happy-go-lucky attitude you realize what a strong effect the blacklist had on Bernstein.
One other thing that I found interesting was the progression in how Bernstein viewed his American beliefs in relation to his Communist beliefs. During the war, he didn’t struggle too much with serving in the army as an American and also supporting other ideas, and even after he writes that there was “no dissonance between supporting Russia and being a good American” (138). However, when the political climate starts to change there is also a change in his beliefs. While at first he believes his Americanism will save him from notice (“I thought I was safe because I was as American as anyone else”) certain events, for example the actions of the police at the Peekskill concert, seem to start and change his mind: “It had not mattered how much of an American I thought I was. I had been on the wrong side.” (149). I think that this shift is fundamental in Bernstein’s understanding of the situation, and also might be responsible for the emotional effect the blacklist had on him.